Sick Jokes

Sick jokes are the best of worst. You got it? Yes, they are insane and crazy jokes that offend whoever, and they are highly guaranteed for that. This offensiveness in them make everybody laughs out loud and hilariously. This is the best bundle of sick jokes on the entire Internet. Some of them are short jokes and some are long jokes. Enjoy these jokes about sickness!

We all agree that jokes are jokes, and if you think of these sick jokes as a source of offensiveness or something, you better not read this post. Because we believe our jokes are for open minded people, people who want to make atmospheres and laugh. And these very sick jokes are one of those offensive jokes that are super funny.

In today’s thread you will get, at best, the sickest jokes either on video or written jokes. Enjoy!

Sick Jokes Video

Sick Jokes

Sick jokes

A vampire walks into a bar, ‘pint of blood landlord’ he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, ‘pint of your finest blood please’ he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says ‘a mug of hot water please barman’. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- ‘why the f*** do you want hot water for?’ The vampire answered- ‘i found a used tampon and i’m making tea’.


Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, “Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe?”
Sheila turns around with tears welling up in her eyes. “Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant. I don’t want to be a burden, so I’m just gonna kill myself!”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car. “Sheila, not only are you a great fuck, but you’re a good sport about it too!”


As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger frantically jumps up, removes all her clothing and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone on this plane who is man enough?”
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”


I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, “Son, what are you doing up here all alone?”
He replied, with tears in his eyes, “My mum’s down there at the bottom. She fell!”
“That’s terrible!” I said. “And your dad?”
“He’s down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!”
“That’s awful!” I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
“Son, today just isn’t your day.”


A man says to his wife “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
His wife replies “You’ve got a bigger dick than your brother”


Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, “How dare you call me a slapper?
“Get out of my bed right now, and you can take all your fucking mates with you too!”


The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.


Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher,
with smart wit,
using a knife,
he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter,
strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel,
he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor,
tall and thin,
by using red velvet,
he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter,
short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur,
he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman,
nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher,
whose name was McGee,
he touched it and blessed it,
and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor,
dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it,
and called it a c*nt.


Roses are … Sick Jokes

Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
You’re about to get fisted.

Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh I’ve just come,
Pass me a hanky.

Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cos here comes my willy.

Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits.

Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit.

Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter,
You’re a dirty bitch,
And you love it up the shitter.

Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
You’re so crap in bed,
That I fucked your alsatians.

Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.

Roses are red,
It’s elementary,
Let’s ring up a friend,
And try double-entry.

Roses are shit,
Violets are crap,
Show me your clit,
And I’ll cum in your lap.

Roses are red,
Violets aren’t magenta,
If you have a baby,
I’ll eat the placenta.


Q&A Sick Jokes

Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don’t pay her.


Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He sh*t in his hand and had a w*nk.


Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!


Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring


Q: Why can’t Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.


Whats the difference between a jew and Pizza?
A pizza doesnt scream when you put it in a oven!


Q. What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who gives good head?
A. Partially disabled.


Q. What are the first symptoms of Aids?
A. A pounding sensation in the arrse.


Q. What’s the similarity between a carton of milk and a woman?
A. They both need their flaps pushed back before you can get to the
good bits.


Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
A. When she flips you over, holds you down and fucks you
..up the arrse with her clitoris.


Q. What’s 14inchs long, purple and makes women scream?
A. Cot-death


What’s the difference between a ford GT and a pile of dead babies?
There isn’t a GT in my garage.


What do you get if you put a baby in a blender?
An erection


What’s blue and fucks old grannys?
Me in my lucky blue jacket


What do you call three lawyers buried up to their necks in cement?
Soccer practice!


What do you call a small Jewish child?
Juniper.


What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Being raped.


what runs across walls and kills Jews?
Gas pipes.


who killed more Indians than the US cavalry?
union carbide and jack daniels


How do you pick up a Jewish girl?
Walk into Auschwitz with a dustpan.


my jokes are like a rotting dead baby
disgusting and hilarious at the same time


A British fan whose dying wish was to see Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, got that chance last month, according to the #Batman4Bazz Facebook page.
It had previously been reported that British Batman superfan Bazz Henderson-Gates had passed away before being granted a screening, but it appears as though his family simply weren’t able to talk about the screening before now.


I hear a major sports clothing chain is doing a range of Jimmy Saville track suits. The top is a normal size, but it has a tight bottom you have to squeeze into


What’s the hardest thing about cutting of 5 year old billy’s fingers one by one?
His c*ck whilst I do it.


Q: What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A: You can’t gargle sand.


Q: How many toddlers does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends on how hard you throw them.


Q: What’s black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A: Stephen Hawking after a fire.


Q: What do bruised up wives with black eyes do when they get out of the hospital?
A: The dishes if they know what’s good for them.


Q: What do 10,000 battered and abused women have in common?
A: They don’t fucking listen.


Q: How many people with Alzheimer’s does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: To get to the other side.


Two old women were sitting on a park bench. A man wearing a trench coat walks up and flashes them. One of the old women immediately had a stroke. The other old woman …couldn’t reach. Rimshot


Tim says, “I like my women like I like my coffee.” Andrew says, “What, hot black and strong?” Tim says, “No, ground up and put in the freezer.”
Tim says, “I like my women like I like my whiskey.” Andrew says, “What, cheap and goes down easy?” Tim says, “No. 12 years old and mixed with coke.”


Q. What’s black and white and red all over?
A: The whale pools at SeaWorld.


Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: Quarter Pounder with Cheese.


Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw your clothes in so they can get washed.


Q – What do you call a time travel vehicle for special needs people ?
A – The Retardis


Q- What do you call a circumcised Wookie ?
A- Jewbacca


A little boy says to his mother, “Mommy, I have diarrhea can I have a Viagra?” Mother replies, “What?!” Boy says, “I have diarrhea, can I take a Viagra?” Mother replies, “You have diarrhea? Why would you want a Viagra??!” Boy says, “Well, isn’t that what you give daddy to make his shit hard?”


What do a homeless woman and an American football player have in common?
They both take off their pads after four periods


My kids suck…
Me off daily


This post is like a Rapist.
It’s going to score whether you like it or not.


What did the girl with no arms and no legs get for Christmas?
Cancer.


what do you call 4 mexicans sinking?
Quatro cinco


you know a girl is too young when you have to make car noises to get your d*ck in her mouth.


What do you throw a drowning mexican?
his wife and kids


What stoped the bullet from penatrating the crippled womans chest?
A baby


Why did the young boy drop his ice-cream?
He was hit by a bus.


A man was walking his dog through the graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.
“Morning!” he said.
The other man replies, “No, just having a shit.”


What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Punch her in the face.


An elderly British gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.
At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag.
“You have been to France before, Monsieur?” the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically.
The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously.
“Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready.”
The British gentleman says, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!”
The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look.
Then he quietly explained;
“Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn’t find any fucking Frenchmen to show it to.”


What’s black and doesn’t work?
Half of London.


I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.


Statistically 9/11 Americans won’t get this.


A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says, “F*ck off, you won’t bring it back.”


My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I am in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead.


This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, “I’m not happy.”
I replied, “Well, which one are you then?”

 

Did you enjoy these sick jokes? Check also: