Police Jokes

The Biggest and Funniest Police Jokes

Police jokes

A policeman jumped me the other day. He shot meˏ mugged meˏ raped me and stabbed me. Then he threw me out of a moving carˏ jumped on my body and pissed on my clothes before leaving me naked in a ditch.
Thankfullyˏ there was justiceˏ and now heʹs serving his ten hours of community service.

Whilst out driving I got pulled over by a Policeman. He gave me that breathalyser test and askedˏ ʹʹHave we been drinking sir?ʹʹ
Iʹd never met him before in my lifeˏ how could we possibly have been drinking?

NEWS – ʹʹPolice dogs die in vehicleʹʹ
Now thatʹs a prime example of why there is such resentment against the police force in this country …why the fuck do they allow female coppers to get behind the wheel ?

I was fascinated to see that CCTV video of the police officer who threw a woman to the floor. I was especially impressed by the way they managed to edit out the cookerˏ fridge and sink from the video.

FOX NEWS: Local drug operation found to be using glass to ʹʹbulkʹʹ up their cocaine.
Police saw straight through it.

Driving to workˏ I was laughing at the story on the radio about the cop who got suspended for sneaking Duran Duran lyrics into his evidence at courtˏ when I got pulled over. Soˏ chucklingˏ I wound the window down and said to the officer ʹPleaseˏ please tell me now – is there something I should know?ʹ
I never realized truncheons could be so painful…

A policeman caught me stealing a really shit illusion.
I saidˏ ʹʹItʹs exactly what it looks like.ʹʹ

I was pulled over by the police yesterday.
The cop asked if I had any marijuana in the vehicle.
Apparently replying with ʹʹwhyˏ how much do you need?ʹʹ is neither wise nor clever.

The duty sergeant is shocked when he opens the door to the interrogation room only to see a detective beating the shit out of a suspect with a piece of filled flexible tubing.
ʹʹDonʹt worryˏ Sargeˏʹʹ says the detectiveˏ ʹʹthe inspector said we could let him off with a coshinʹ.ʹʹ

I was driving along and a police car was behind meˏ with the police man shouting ʹʹPull over! Pull over!ʹʹ
I put my head outside and shouted back ʹʹDo you mind? Iʹm on the phone!ʹʹ.

Got pulled over by a police woman today… didnʹt know the kitchen had a speed limit.

What do you call a police man that is better at masturbating than any other?ʹ
ʹA higher wanking officerʹ

News: ʹEscaped pigs close freewayʹ.
Who left that police station door open?

ʹʹWe live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.ʹʹ
Thatʹs bullshitˏ Iʹve been waiting for a Pizza for over an hour now and my Police Officer has gone cold.

I was arrested for a traffic offense last night. They took me back to the stationˏ filled out all the paperworkˏ handed me the charge sheet and asked me to sign it. I picked it upˏ drew a picture of a small girl on itˏ wrapped it around my cock and wanked into it.
Now they are charging me with perverting the course of justice.

I called 911 the other day but was put on hold for 10 minutes.
When I finally got through I said to the bird that she is wow lucky this is a hoax.

BBC NEWS: Police in Britain arrest agoraphobic teenage ʹmastermindʹ behind worldwide hacking.
Well at least he wonʹt need to fear being outside for a long while…

Got caught by a policeman as I was stashing stolen goods into a large cave.
ʹʹHelloˏ helloˏ helloˏʹʹ he saidˏ ʹʹWhatʹs going on in here thenˏ in here thenˏ here then?ʹʹ

A dwarf policeman came up to me when I was stoned off my face. He asked was I high?
ʹʹHigher than you.ʹʹ

I broke the carʹs suspension today driving over a sleeping police man.
Well he looked like he was sleeping.

Itʹs tragic that a group of greedy thugs can wreck the lives and livelihoods of so many innocent people. Iʹm just glad I didnʹt vote for them!

Top 11 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over:

  1. I canʹt reach my license unless you hold my beer.
  2. Heyˏ is that a 9mm? Thatʹs nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
  3. Heyˏ you must have been doing 125 to keep up with meˏ good job.
  4. Sorry officerˏ I didnʹt realize my radar detector wasnʹt plugged in.
  5. I was going to be a copˏ but I decided to finish high school instead.
  6. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
  7. Wowˏ you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand.
  8. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
  9. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes I know there is no other car aroundˏ thatʹs how far they are ahead of me.
  10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald s?
  11. Wellˏ when I reached down to pick up my bag of crackˏ my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedalˏ forcing me to speed out of control.

What do you call a police officer that works in bed?
An undercover cop.

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boyˏ ʹʹWhere did you get that turkey?ʹʹ
The boy repliedˏ ʹʹWhat turkey?ʹʹ
The game warden saidˏ ʹʹThat turkey youʹre carrying under your arm.ʹʹ
The boy looks down and saidˏ ʹʹWellˏ look hereˏ a turkey has roosted under my arm!ʹʹ
The game warden saidˏ ʹʹNow lookˏ you know turkey season is closedˏ so whatever you do to that turkeyˏ Iʹm going to do to you. If you break his legˏ Iʹm gonna break your leg. If you break his wingˏ Iʹll break your arm. Whatever you do to himˏ Iʹll do to you. Soˏ what are you gonna do with him?ʹʹ
The little boy saidˏ ʹʹI guess Iʹll just kiss his ass and let him go!ʹʹ

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speedingˏ the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckleyˏ WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didnʹt want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldnʹt give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didnʹt have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he couldˏ so the trooper got 5 flaresˏ lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was jugglingˏ a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got outˏ watched the performance brieflyˏ then went over to the patrol carˏ opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk repliedˏ ʹʹYou might as well take my ass to jailˏ because there ainʹt no way I can pass that test.ʹʹ

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer saysˏ ʹʹ I clocked you at 80 miles per hourˏ sir.ʹʹ
The driver saysˏ ʹʹGeeˏ officerˏ I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. ʹʹ
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: ʹʹNow donʹt be sillyˏ dear – you know that this car doesnʹt have cruise control.ʹʹ
As the officer writes out the ticketˏ the driver looks over at his wife and growlsˏ ʹʹCanʹt you please keep your mouth shut for once?!ʹʹ
The wife smiles demurely and saysˏ ʹʹWell dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.ʹʹ
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unitˏ the man glares at his wife and says through clenched teethˏ ʹʹWomanˏ canʹt you keep your mouth shut?!ʹʹ
The officer frowns and saysˏ ʹʹAnd I notice that youʹre not wearing your seat beltˏ sir. Thatʹs an automatic $75 fine.ʹʹ
The driver saysˏ ʹʹYeahˏ wellˏ you seeˏ officerˏ I had it onˏ but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.ʹʹ
The wife saysˏ ʹʹNowˏ dearˏ you know very well that you didnʹt have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when youʹre driving.ʹʹ
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticketˏ the driver turns to his wife and barksˏ ʹʹWHY DONʹT YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?!ʹʹ
The officer looks over at the woman and asksˏ ʹʹDoes your husband always talk to you this wayˏ Madam?ʹʹ
ʹʹNo Sirˏ only when heʹs been drinkingˏ officer.ʹʹ

An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting.
A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle.
ʹʹPullover!ʹʹ the cop shouts.
ʹʹNo!ʹʹ the woman repliedˏ ʹʹTheyʹre mittens!ʹʹ

A police station gets two new horses and two cops are assigned to be mounted policemen. They go on a ride and come back pleased.
ʹʹThis horse is great! From now on Iʹll always take this oneʹʹ said the first cop.
ʹʹMy horse is great too. So Iʹll always take itʹʹ replied the second cop.
ʹʹBut how do we know which is which?ʹʹ
They thought for a minute or two and one of them came up with an idea.
ʹʹLetʹs cut off this oneʹs tail!ʹʹ
The other cop agreed and the horse lost itʹs tail.
The next morning the police chief is standing in front of the horses and looks really mad. The two cops see this and ask whats wrong.
ʹʹYou two morons cut off the horseʹs tail thatʹs whatʹs wrong!ʹʹ
They answered ʹʹBut otherwise we couldnʹt tell them apart.ʹʹ
The Police Chief says ʹʹCanʹt you see the black one is a bit taller than the white one?!ʹʹ

A Cop on a horse says to a little girl on her bikeˏ ʹʹDid Santa get you that?ʹʹ
ʹʹYesˏʹʹ replies the little girl.
ʹʹWell tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!ʹʹ and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and saysˏ ʹʹNice horse youʹve got thereˏ did Santa bring you that?ʹʹ
The cop chuckles and repliesˏ ʹʹHe sure did!ʹʹ
ʹʹWellˏʹʹ says the little girlˏ ʹʹNext year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horseˏ not on top of it!ʹʹ

A man in a hurry taking his eight-year-old son to school made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
ʹʹUh-ohˏ I think I just made an illegal turn!ʹʹ the man said.
ʹʹItʹs okayˏ Dadˏʹʹ the boy saidˏ ʹʹThe police car right behind us did the same thing.ʹʹ

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hourˏ when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing downˏ she picked up speed. When she looked back againˏ their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked aroundˏ there were three cops following her. Suddenlyˏ she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladyʹs room.
Ten minutes laterˏ she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eyeˏ she said coylyˏ ʹʹIʹll bet none of you thought I would make it.ʹʹ

There was an inebriated driver who was pulled up by the police. When the cop opened the doorˏ the driver fell out.
ʹʹYOUʹRE DRUNK!ʹʹ exclaimed the police officer.
ʹʹThank God for that!ʹʹ said the drunkˏ ʹʹI thought the steering had gone.ʹʹ

Truck driver is stuck under bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finallyˏ a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driverˏ puts his hands on his hips and saysˏ ʹʹGot stuckˏ huh?ʹʹ
The truck driver saysˏ ʹʹNoˏ I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.ʹʹ

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar.
A $40 speeding ticket was included.
Being cuteˏ he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.

A cop pulls a guy over:
ʹʹSirˏ why were you speeding?ʹʹ
ʹʹOfficerˏ I wanted to get home quicklyˏ before I became really drunk.ʹʹ

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asksˏ ʹʹWhen you are laid out in your casketˏ and your fellow officers and family are mourning youˏ what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop saysˏ ʹʹI would like to hear them sayˏ that I was the bravest cop on the force.ʹʹ
The second police officer saysˏ ʹʹI would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.ʹʹ
The last cop repliesˏ ʹʹI would like to hear them say … Lookˏ Heʹs Moving!ʹʹ

A cop stopped a drunk in the early hours of the morning.
The cop askedˏ ʹʹCan you explain why youʹre out at this hour?ʹʹ
ʹʹIf I couldˏʹʹ the drunk saidˏ ʹʹIʹd be home by now!ʹʹ

While the pope was visiting the USAˏ he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic manˏ and would not ever dream of questioning the popeʹs authority. So the pope sat at the wheelˏ while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mphˏ when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them overˏ he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limoˏ with a VIP inside it.
The chief asked: ʹʹWho is in the limoˏ the mayor?ʹʹ
The policeman told him: ʹʹNoˏ someone more important than the mayor.ʹʹ
Then the chief asked ʹʹIs it the governor?ʹʹ
The policeman answered: ʹʹNoˏ someone more important than the governor.ʹʹ
The chief finally asked: ʹʹIs it the President?ʹʹ
The policeman answered: ʹʹNoˏ someone even more important than the President.ʹʹ
This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: ʹʹNow who is more important than the President?!ʹʹ
The policeman calmly whispered: ʹʹIʹll put it to you this way chief. I donʹt know who is this guyˏ but he has the pope as his chauffeur.ʹʹ

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guyʹs window and says ʹʹSirˏ I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.ʹʹ
The man saysˏ ʹʹSorry officer I canʹt do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that Iʹll have a really bad asthma attack.ʹʹ
ʹʹOkayˏ fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.ʹʹ
ʹʹI canʹt do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do thatˏ Iʹll bleed to death.ʹʹ
ʹʹWellˏ then we need a urine sample.ʹʹ
ʹʹIʹm sorry officer I canʹt do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that Iʹll get really low blood sugar.ʹʹ
ʹʹAlright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.ʹʹ
ʹʹI canʹt do thatˏ officer.ʹʹ
ʹʹWhy not?ʹʹ
ʹʹBecause Iʹm too drunk to do that.ʹʹ

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he saysˏ ʹʹSirˏ I couldnʹt help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?ʹʹ
The man gets really indignant and saysˏ ʹʹOfficerˏ I couldnʹt help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?ʹʹ

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: ʹʹYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.ʹʹ
Man: ʹʹNo sirˏ I was going 60.ʹʹ
Wife: ʹʹOhˏ Harry. You were going 80.ʹʹ
Officer: ʹʹIʹm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.ʹʹ
Man: ʹʹBroken tail light? I didnʹt know about a broken tail light!ʹʹ
Wife: ʹʹOh Harryˏ youʹve known about that tail light for weeks.ʹʹ
Officer: ʹʹIʹm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.ʹʹ
Man: ʹʹOhˏ I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.ʹʹ
Wife: ʹʹOhˏ Harryˏ you never wear your seat belt.ʹʹ
Man turns to his wife and yells: ʹʹShut your damn mouth!ʹʹ
Officer turns to the woman and asksˏ ʹʹMaʹamˏ does your husband talk to you this way all the time?ʹʹ
Wife: ʹʹNoˏ only when heʹs drunk.ʹʹ

Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
ʹʹAyeˏ so I have. ʹTis Fridayˏ you knowˏ so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ʹʹHappy Hourʹʹ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five oʹ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and Oʹ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldnʹt be rudeˏ ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later …ʹʹ And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskeyˏ which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighedˏ and saidˏ ʹʹSirˏ Iʹm afraid Iʹll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.ʹʹ
Indignantlyˏ the man saidˏ ʹʹWhy? Donʹt ye believe me?!?ʹʹ

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says ʹʹLadyˏ it says here that you should be wearing glasses.ʹʹ
The woman answered ʹʹWellˏ I have contacts.ʹʹ
The policeman replied ʹʹI donʹt care who you know! Youʹre getting a ticket!ʹʹ

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD)ˏ The FBIˏ and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forestˏ killing everything in itˏ including the rabbitˏ and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: ʹʹOkay! Okay! Iʹm a rabbit! Iʹm a rabbit!ʹʹ

ʹʹWhen I saw you driving down the roadˏ I guessed 55 at least.ʹʹ
ʹʹYouʹre wrongˏ officerˏ itʹs only my hat that makes me look that old.ʹʹ

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. ʹʹBut officerˏʹʹ the man beganˏ ʹʹI can explain.ʹʹ
ʹʹJust be quietˏʹʹ snapped the officer. ʹʹIʹm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.ʹʹ
ʹʹButˏ officerˏ I just wanted to sayˏʹʹ
ʹʹAnd I said to keep quiet! Youʹre going to jail!ʹʹ
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and saidˏ ʹʹLucky for you that the chiefʹs at his daughterʹs wedding… Heʹll be in a good mood when he gets back.ʹʹ
ʹʹDonʹt count on itˏʹʹ answered the fellow in the cell. ʹʹIʹm the groom.ʹʹ

A tourist asks a man in uniformˏ ʹʹAre you a policeman?ʹʹ
ʹʹNoˏ I am an undercover detective.ʹʹ
ʹʹSo why are you in uniform?ʹʹ
ʹʹToday is my day off.ʹʹ

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. ʹʹIʹve got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?ʹʹ
ʹʹI should let you know first that I am a policeman.ʹʹ
ʹʹThatʹs OK. Iʹll tell it really slow!ʹʹ

A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policemanˏ ʹʹCan I park here?ʹʹ
ʹʹNoˏʹʹ says the cop.
ʹʹWhat about all these other cars?ʹʹ
ʹʹThey didnʹt ask!ʹʹ

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident – body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head. He writes in his notebook: ʹʹHead on boulevardʹʹ and scratches out his spelling error. ʹʹHead on boulevardʹʹ Nopeˏ doesnʹt look right – scratch scratch. ʹʹHead on boulevard…ʹʹ dang it! Scratch scratch. He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. ʹʹHead on curb.ʹʹ

Funny Cop Jokes

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplants asked about the prices.
The doctor saidˏ ʹʹWellˏ this Ph.D. brain costs $10ˏ000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15ˏ000. Here we have a policemanʹs brain as well. It costs $50ˏ000.ʹʹ
The client askedˏ ʹʹWhat? Howʹs that possible?ʹʹ
The doctor repliedˏ ʹʹYou seeˏ itʹs totally unused.ʹʹ

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the roadˏ she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing downˏ she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind.
She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he saidˏ ʹʹMaʹam do you know why I pulled you over?ʹʹ
Her son piped up from the back seatˏ ʹʹI do… because you couldnʹt catch the other cars!ʹʹ

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driverʹs seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driverʹs window and knocked. The young man looked upˏ cranked the window downˏ and saidˏ ʹʹYes Officer?ʹʹ
ʹʹWhat are you doing?ʹʹ the policeman asked.
ʹʹWhat does it look like?ʹʹ answered the young man. ʹʹIʹm reading this magazine.ʹʹ
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seatˏ the officer then askedˏ ʹʹAnd what is she doing?ʹʹ
The young man looked over his shoulder and repliedˏ ʹʹWhat does it look like? Sheʹs knitting.ʹʹ
ʹʹAnd how old are you?ʹʹ the officer then asked the young man.
ʹʹIʹm nineteenˏʹʹ he replied.
ʹʹAnd how old is she?ʹʹ asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and saidˏ ʹʹWellˏ in about twelve more minutes sheʹll be eighteen.ʹʹ

The man was in no shape to driveˏ so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily alongˏ he was stopped by a policeman.
ʹʹWhat are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?ʹʹ said the officer.
ʹʹIʹm going to a lecture.ʹʹ the man said.
ʹʹAnd who is going to give a lecture at this hour?ʹʹ the cop asked.
ʹʹMy wife.ʹʹ said the man.

A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench.
One day the judge glared down at the manˏ who was still intoxicatedˏ and thunderedˏ ʹʹIt is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD.ʹʹ
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff started to revive the manˏ and looked up at the judgeˏ at which time the judge shrugged and responded ʹʹIʹve always wanted to say that.ʹʹ

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. Howeverˏ the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadnʹt told him aboutˏ he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tapeˏ the kind that doesnʹt come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.
ʹʹGet well quick….. from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week.ʹʹ

A police officerˏ though scheduled for all-night duty at the stationˏ was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of scheduleˏ at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wifeˏ he undressed in the darkˏ crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just thenˏ his wife sleepily sat up and saidˏ ʹʹMikeˏ dearestˏ would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? Iʹve got a splitting headache.ʹʹ
ʹʹCertainlyˏ honeyˏʹʹ he saidˏ and feeling his way across the dark roomˏ he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrivedˏ the pharmacist looked up in surpriseˏ ʹʹSayˏʹʹ said the druggistˏ ʹʹI know you – arenʹt you a policeman? Officer Fenwickˏ right?ʹʹ
ʹʹYeahˏ so?ʹʹ said the officer.
ʹʹWellˏ why are you all dressed up like a Fireman?ʹʹ

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
ʹʹTheyʹve stolen the dashboardˏ the steering wheelˏ the brake pedalˏ even the accelerator!ʹʹ he cried out.
Howeverˏ before the police investigation could startˏ the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
ʹʹNever mindˏʹʹ he said with a hiccupˏ ʹʹI got in the back seat by mistake.ʹʹ

ʹʹSoˏ you donʹt know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticketˏ huh?ʹʹ
ʹʹWarning! You want a warning? O.K.ˏ Iʹm warning you not to do that again or Iʹll give you another ticket.ʹʹ
ʹʹNo sirˏ we donʹt have quotas anymore. We used to have quotasˏ but now weʹre allowed to write as many tickets as we want.ʹʹ
ʹʹIʹm glad to hear the chief of police is a goodˏ personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.ʹʹ
ʹʹYes sirˏ you can talk to the shift supervisorˏ but I donʹt think it will help. Ohˏ did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?ʹʹ
ʹʹThe handcuffs are tight because theyʹre new. Theyʹll stretch out after you wear them awhile.ʹʹ

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.
God greets them and asksˏ ʹʹWhen you are laid out in your casketˏ and your fellow officers and family are mourning youˏ what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first cop saysˏ ʹʹI would like to hear them sayˏ that I was the bravest cop on the force.ʹʹ
The second police officer saysˏ ʹʹI would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.ʹʹ
The last cop repliesˏ ʹʹI would like to hear them say … Lookˏ Heʹs Moving!ʹʹ

A lady was filling her tank at a gas stationˏ smoking a cigaretteˏ even though all the signs say not to. The fumes that came out of the gas tank ignitedˏ severely burning her hands.
But it also lit up her armˏ too!
Instead of rolling on the ground to put it outˏ she panicked. She took off running down the street.
A police car was at the intersection where it happened and he tried to stop her to put out her armˏ but she just kept running and screaming. All the officer could think of doing was to shoot her. This took everyone by surprise. The officer ran over to her and put the fire outˏ then called for an ambulance.
When questioned about his course of action to stop herˏ the officer saidˏ ʹʹMy only thought was to stop her. After allˏ she was waving a fire-arm.ʹʹ

A man was speeding down a highwayˏ feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. Howeverˏ as they passed a speed trapˏ he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citationˏ received his signature and was about to walk away when the man askedˏ ʹʹOfficerˏ I know I was speedingˏ but I donʹt think itʹs fair – there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fastˏ so why did I get the ticket?ʹʹ
ʹʹEver go fishing?ʹʹ the policeman suddenly asked the man.
ʹʹYes..ʹʹ the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and addedˏ ʹʹDid you ever catch them all?ʹʹ

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.
What the driver didnʹt know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.
Policeman: ʹʹLicenseˏ registration and proof of insurance please.ʹʹ
Driver: ʹʹBefore I give it to youˏ tell me what the heck you stopped me for.ʹʹ
Policeman: ʹʹWatch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there.ʹʹ
Driver: ʹʹManˏ I slowed downˏ what the heck is the difference?ʹʹ
The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the manʹs head and shoulders.
Policeman: ʹʹNowˏ do you want me to just slow down or stop?

A man with a nagging secret couldnʹt keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
ʹʹWhat did you take?ʹʹ his priest asked.
ʹʹEnough to build my own house and enough for my sonʹs house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake.ʹʹ
ʹʹThis is very seriousˏʹʹ the priest said. ʹʹI shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?ʹʹ
ʹʹNoˏ Fatherˏ I havenʹtˏʹʹ the man replied. ʹʹBut if you can get the plansˏ I can get the lumber.ʹʹ

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the carʹs radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and saidˏ ʹʹLetʹs get off the corner.ʹʹ No one movedˏ so he barked againˏ ʹʹLetʹs get off the corner!ʹʹ
Intimidatedˏ the group of people began to leaveˏ casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official actˏ the young policeman turned to his partner and askedˏ ʹʹWellˏ how did I do?ʹʹ
ʹʹPretty goodˏʹʹ replied the veteranˏ ʹʹespecially since this was a bus stop.ʹʹ

A man has too much to drink at a party. His friends offer to drive him homeˏ but the says no–he only lives a mile away.
About five blocks from the partyˏ the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he startsˏ the police radio blares out a call for a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.
The police tell him to stay put; they will be right back – and they run down the street to the robbery.
After a few minutesˏ the man decides to drive home. When he gets thereˏ he tells his wife he is going to bedˏ and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.
A few hours laterˏ the police knock on the door. They ask if a Mr. X lives thereˏ and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.
The police ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his carˏ so she takes them to the garage and opens the door–where they find the police carˏ lights still flashing.

St Peter is standing at heavenʹs gate when a man walks up.
ʹʹWelcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?ʹʹ
ʹʹI was a policemanˏʹʹ he responded.
ʹʹWhat kind of policeman?ʹʹ St Peter asked.
ʹʹI was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids.ʹʹ
ʹʹWonderful my sonˏ welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates.ʹʹ
A few moments later a second man walks up.
ʹʹWelcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?ʹʹ
ʹʹI was a policemanˏʹʹ he responded.
ʹʹWhat kind of policeman?ʹʹ St Peter asked.
ʹʹI was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers.ʹʹ
ʹʹWell done. Pass through the gates into paradise.ʹʹ
A few moments later a third man walks up.
ʹʹWelcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?ʹʹ
ʹʹI was a policemanˏʹʹ he responded.
ʹʹWhat kind of policeman?ʹʹ St Peter asked.
ʹʹI was a Military Policemanˏ Sir.ʹʹ
ʹʹExcellent my sonˏ I have to leave for a bitˏ watch the gate will you?ʹʹ

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John saidˏ ʹʹIʹm very sorry officerˏ I didnʹt realize it was outˏ Iʹll get it fixed right away.ʹʹ
Just then Jessica saidˏ ʹʹI knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.ʹʹ
So the officer asked for Johnʹs license and after looking at it saidˏ ʹʹSir your license has expired.ʹʹ
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didnʹt realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica saidˏ ʹʹI told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.ʹʹ
Well by this timeˏ John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officerˏ and he said in a rather loud voiceˏ ʹʹJessicaˏ shut your mouth!ʹʹ
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. ʹʹDoes your husband always talk to you like that?ʹʹ
Jessica repliedˏ ʹʹonly when heʹs drunk.

A jugglerˏ driving to his next performanceˏ was stopped by the police.
ʹʹWhat are those knives doing in your car?ʹʹ asked the officer.
ʹʹI juggle them in my act.ʹʹ
ʹʹOh yeah?ʹʹ says the cop. ʹʹLetʹs see you do it.ʹʹ So the juggler starts tossing and juggling the knives.
A guy driving by sees this and saysˏ ʹʹWowˏ am I glad I quit drinking. Look at the test theyʹre making you do now!ʹʹ

A police car pulls up in front of grandma houseˏ and grandpa gets out.
The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park… and couldnʹt find his way home.
ʹʹOh dearʹʹ said grandmaˏ ʹʹYouʹve been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?ʹʹ
Leaning close to grandmaˏ so that the policeman couldnʹt hear. Grandpa whisperedˏ ʹʹI wasnʹt lost. I was just too tired to walk home.ʹʹ

The local Sheriff was looking for a Deputyˏ so Wilbur – who was not exactly the sharpest tack in the bucket went in to try out for the job.
ʹʹOkayˏʹʹ the sheriff drawledˏ ʹʹWilburˏ what is 1 and 1?ʹʹ
ʹʹ11ʹʹ he replied.
The sheriff thought to himselfˏ ʹʹThatʹs not what I meantˏ but heʹs right.ʹʹ
ʹʹWhat two days of the week start with the letter ʹTʹ?ʹʹ
ʹʹToday and tomorrow.ʹʹ
He was again surprised that Wilbur supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
ʹʹNow Wilburˏ listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?ʹʹ
Wilbur looked a little surprised himselfˏ then thought really hard for a minute and finally admittedˏ ʹʹI donʹt know.ʹʹ
ʹʹWellˏ why donʹt you go home and work on that one for a while?ʹʹ
Soˏ Wilbur wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Wilbur was exultant.
ʹʹIt went great! First day on the job and Iʹm already working on a murder case!ʹʹ

Some residents in the city thought theyʹd help drain rain-flooded streets by removing manhole covers.
That made matters worse because the underground system was flooded too. A few covers became lost in knee-deep waterˏ and police were called in to create order.
ʹʹWeʹve picked up the coversˏʹʹ one officer radioed headquarters. ʹʹNow how do we find the holes?ʹʹ Back came the word: ʹʹEasy. Walk until you fall in.ʹʹ

Yesterday I was at the local store. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came outˏ there he was – a Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket …
Soˏ I went to him and said: ʹʹCome on Buddyˏ how about giving a guy a break?ʹʹ
He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
Soˏ I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Soˏ I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!
This went on for about 25 minutes … the more I abused and hurled insults at himˏ the more tickets he wrote …
But heyˏ I didnʹt care. My car was parked around the corner.

ʹʹHelloˏ is this the FBI?ʹʹ
ʹʹYes. Can I help you?ʹʹ
ʹʹIʹm calling to report my neighbor John Franks! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.ʹʹ
ʹʹThank you very much for the callˏ sir.ʹʹ
The next dayˏ the FBI agents descend on Johnʹs house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axesˏ they bust open every piece of woodˏ but find no marijuana. They swore at John and left.
The phone rings at Johnʹs house. ʹʹHeyˏ John! Did the FBI come?ʹʹ
ʹʹYeah!ʹʹ
ʹʹDid they chop your firewood?ʹʹ
ʹʹYep.ʹʹ
ʹʹHappy birthday.ʹʹ

A man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brainˏ which he claimed had been stolen.
Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

ʹʹThe handcuffs are tight because theyʹre new. Theyʹll stretch out after you wear them awhile.ʹʹ
ʹʹIf you runˏ youʹll only go to jail tired.ʹʹ
ʹʹSoˏ you donʹt know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticketˏ huh?ʹʹ
ʹʹYes sirˏ you can talk to the shift supervisorˏ but I donʹt think it will help. Ohˏ did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?ʹʹ
ʹʹWarning! You want a warning? O.K.ˏ Iʹm warning you not to do that again or Iʹll give you another ticket.ʹʹ
ʹʹThe answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?ʹʹ
ʹʹYeahˏ we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.ʹʹ
ʹʹLifeʹs toughˏ itʹs tougher if youʹre stupid.ʹʹ
ʹʹNo sirˏ we donʹt have quotas anymore. We used to have quotasˏ but now weʹre allowed to write as many tickets as we want.ʹʹ

The Pope has just finished a tour of Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limoˏ the Pope asks the chauffeur if he might drive for a while. Wellˏ the chauffeur doesnʹt have much choiceˏ so he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silveradoˏ and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 mphˏ and suddenly he sees the red and blue lights of a CHP cruiser in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooperˏ seeing who it isˏ saysˏ ʹʹJust a moment pleaseˏ I need to call in.ʹʹ
The trooper calls in and asks for the Chief. He tells the Chief that heʹs got a REALLY important person pulled overˏ and asks how to handle it.
ʹʹItʹs not that singer againˏ is it?ʹʹ asks the Chief.
ʹʹNo Sir!ʹʹ replies the trooperˏ ʹʹThis guyʹs more important.ʹʹ
ʹʹIs it the governor?ʹʹ
ʹʹNo! Even more important!ʹʹ
ʹʹIs it the PRESIDENT?ʹʹ
ʹʹNo! Even more important!ʹʹ
ʹʹWellˏ WHO THE HECK is it?ʹʹ screams the Chief.
ʹʹI donʹt knowˏ Sirˏʹʹ replies the trooperˏ ʹʹBut heʹs got the Pope as his chauffeur!

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