The funniest golf jokes so far.
As a young man, Norton was an exceptional golfer.
At the age of 26, however, he decided to become a priest, and joined a rather peculiar order. He took the usual vows of poverty, chastity, but his order also required that he quit golf and never play again. This was particularly difficult for Norton, but he agreed and was finally ordained a priest.
One Sunday morning, the Reverend Father Norton woke up and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf.
So… he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.
“Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole in one!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
The Lord smiled and replied,”Who is he going to tell?”
If you think it’s hard to meet people, try picking up the wrong golf ball …
It was a sunny Saturday morning, a little before 8 a.m., I was on the first hole at The Oaks of St. George Golf Club and beginning my pre-shot routine, when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:
“Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee please!”
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement: “Would the man on the woman’s tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the voice yelled, “Would the man on the woman’s tee back up to the men’s tee. please?!?!”
I finally stopped, turned around, cupped my hands and shouted back: “Would the jerk with the microphone please keep quiet and let me play my second shot!”
Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.
Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond.
He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls.
He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well.
This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these balls cost me a pretty penny,”
Rabby replies “Och, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game,
ya should nee be out here”
Four golfers who like to gamble wind up in the same foursome. The pot builds throughout the day until they reach the 18th green, where Charlie has a chance to putt for dough. If he makes his 10-foot putt, he wins $200.
Charlie lines up his putt, but just as he’s about to take his stance, a funeral procession begins passing by on the road that runs alongside the 18th hole.
Charlie steps away from his ball, sets down his putter, takes off his hat and places it over his heart, and waits for the funeral procession to completely pass. One all the cars in the funeral procession have passed, Charlie picks up his putter and begins lining up the putt again.
“Wow,” one of his opponents says. “That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. You’ve got a makeable putt for $200, yet you stopped and paid your respects. You really are something.”
“Well,” Charlie says, “we were married for 25 years.”
Great Grandfather had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.
Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18 Directly after golf he attended his great, great grandson’s wedding. During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great, great grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life. After a while the young groom said “Grandfather what’s it like making love when you reach your age.” And he replied, “Well, its kinda like putting with a rope.”
A husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.
”Please dear, I need help.” she said.
The husband ran off saying, “I’ll go get some help.”
A little while later he returned, picked up his putter and began to line up his shot. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, ”I may be dying and you’re putting?” ”Don’t worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he’d come and help you.” ”The second hole? When is he coming?” ”Hey! I told you not to worry.” he said, stroking his putt. ”Everyone has already agreed to let him play through.”
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at TPC Sawgrass exactly the way the pros do it.
The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land. It was something the golfer had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water.
Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other “average” golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.
Recently he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old, cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.
However, before he could hit the ball, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying:
“Wait! Replace that old ball with a brand new one.”
The golfer complied, with some slight misgivings, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again:
“Wait. Step back. Take a practice swing.”
So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.
The voice boomed out again:
“Take another practice swing.”
Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited …
A long silence followed …
Then the voice again:
“Use the old ball.”
Arnold Palmer is playing in a big tournament and comes to a 235 yard par-3.
After some deliberation, he takes out his 3 iron and sails the ball 20 feet over the pin and backs it up to within 3 feet of the pin. A fan in the crowd said “Mr. Palmer, how do you make a 3 iron back up like that?” Mr. Palmer replied, “Do you own a 3 iron?” The fan said, “Yes, sir I do.” ”How far do you hit it?” said Palmer. About 160 yards was his reply. Palmer calmly said, “What the hell do you want it to back up for?
Two friends were playing golf one day. They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie. After a few holes, one guy’s ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, “We agreed that we would not improve our lie.” No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it. So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin. ”Great shot!” his friend exclaimed. ”What club did you use?” ”YOUR 7-iron!” he replied.
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