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Say what you want about deaf people.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
“This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.”
6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t Happy.
I hate Russian dolls…so full of themselves
What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
Shout out to the people who want to know what the opposite of in is
What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? The taste
When my wife said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face.
My girlfriend told me to stop making linkin park references. But in the end, it didn’t even matter.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
I can’t stand being in a wheelchair.
Diarrhea is hereditary … It runs in your jeans.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. As he turned and sneered at me, I thought: ‘that’s a little condescending’.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung.
What’s long, brown, and sticky? A stick.
What is brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr. Dre…
What’s brown and runny? Usain Bolt
I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “damn” and a skydiver goes “damn” *whack*
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
Don’t you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.
What’s the difference between my ex and the titanic?
The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
How do you kill a circus? You go for the juggler.
Life without women would be a pain in the ass.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
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