A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender whats the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump and slap a piece of meat, you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss, the man must buy drinks for everyone in the bar. The man responds, “Nah, the steaks are too high.”
A man walks into a pub and takes a seat at the bar to order a beer. As the bartender is pouring the beer, the man hears a small voice nearby say, “Say, that’s a nice suit! You’re looking slick today!” Seeing no one else in the bar, that man glances around, then hears, “Whoa, is that a Rolex you’re wearing? Sweet! You must be really successful!”
Figuring the voice was coming from the bar, the man looks to the bartender as he’s brought his drink and asks, “Did…. Did you hear that?”
Bartender nods, and says, “Oh yeah, that’s the peanuts: they’re complimentory.”
Bewildered, the man decides the peanuts are a little too alarming, and heads towards a booth with his beer. As he passes the jukebox, it suddenly shouts at him, “Hey! Fuckface! Get outta my space, you fucking cunt!”
Shaken, the man looks to the bartender, who says, “Yeah, sorry about that. The jukebox is out of order.”
A man took his date to a zoo. They were disappointed to find that it only contained one animal: a dog.
It was a shitzu.
Why did the tomato blush? Because he saw the salad dressing!
Q: Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
A: Because the pee is silent.
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “make me one with everything.”
the vendor gives the monk a hot dog with everything on it.
the monk hands the vendor a $100 bill.
the vendor takes the money and pockets it.
the monk asks, “where’s my change?”
the vendor replies, “ahh, change comes from within.”
what did O say to Q? put that thing back in your pants.
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.