Christian jokes are a kind of jokes that are based on religious humor or barely if we happen to say blasphemy. What we guarantee in this very post is that, these christian jokes are neat and free of any dirty terms or adult jokes. At any rate, enjoy these religious bundle about Christian jokes.
So I was reading the Book of Numbers last night and I realized…I don’t have yours.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi make a bet to see who can convert a wild animal, to display the strength of their faith. They agree to each go into the woods and try to convert a bear. After a few days they meet to compare notes.
The priest is a little scratched up but otherwise fine. He says, “I blessed the bear in the name of the Holy Trinity, and sprinkled holy water on him, and he was received into the Church and became a Christian!”
Next is the minister, whose face is all bruised and cut, and has one arm in a sling. He says, “Brothers, I hauled the bear down to the river and immersed him until the devil came out of him and he was washed of his sins!”
Finally they both turn to the rabbi, who is in a hospital bed in full traction. In a weak voice, he says, “In retrospect I probably shouldn’t have started with circumcision.”
Jesus meets an old man who says he’s a carpenter and is looking for his adopted son, who wasn’t like other boys and had holes in his hands and feet.
Jesus (hopefully): Dad?
Old man: Pinocchio??
How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
3 or 1, it’s the same thing.
How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
My grandmother donated that lightbulb!
How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A man stands before God at his glorious throne and God says, “You may ask three questions, and I shall answer.”
The man immediately asks, “How long is a billion years to you?”
And God waves his hand and says, “It is but a second.”
The man ponders a moment and asks, “So how much is a billion dollars to you?”
And God says, “It is but a penny, my child.”
The man asks, “So God, may I please have one of your pennies?”
God smiles and says, “Of course; just a second.”
“Hey, why don’t you come to church with me sometime?”
“Church? I don’t want to go to church. It’s full of hypocrites!”
“Aw, c’mon! One more won’t hurt!”
A man goes to the pet store to buy a dog for his family. While looking through the cages, he sees what looks like a mutt that costs more that the others. He asks the store clerk, “What’s so special about this one? It just looks like a plain old mutt.”
The clerk answers, “This is a special dog. It’s a Baptist dog. Watch this.” The clerk gets a Bible and puts it in front of the dog. He says, “Psalm 23!” The dog uses its paws to search through the Bible, and it points at Psalm 23 with its nose. The man is impressed and buys the dog.
He takes it home and tells his wife about how he bought a Baptist dog. She looks at him like he’s crazy, so he shows her the trick. “That’s it?” she says. “It just looks up Bible verses? No other tricks?”
The man decides to try to see if the dog can do anything else. “Heel!” he says. The dog jumps up on the table, puts a paw on the man’s forehead, and starts howling.
“That’s no Baptist dog!” the wife exclaims. “It’s a Pentecostalist!”
A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?”
A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven: My sons,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,
Sincerely, God, O.P.
Scene: New York City, man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop. Cop yells up to the man “Don’t jump! Think of your father”
Man replies “Haven’t got a father; I’m going to jump.”
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister, etc. Each time man says “haven’t got one; going to jump.”
Desperate the cop yells up “Don’t jump! Think of the Blessed Virgin”
Man replies “Who is that?”
Cop yells “Jump, Protestant! You’re blocking traffic!”
A Jewish couple has a son who is a holy terror. When he gets to be of age, he’s kicked out of every school they put him in. Finally desperate, the father goes to the Rabbi for advice and the Rabbi says put him in the Catholic school. Shocked, the father asks if the Rabbi sure. “Yes” is the reply, so the father takes him to the nuns and leaves.
An hour goes by, then two hours, lunch time and finally at three the son comes in says “Good afternoon Papa, good afternoon Mama,” goes to the table and starts on his homework. The father is amazed and finally ask why he stayed in school all day and why he is behaving so well. His son looks up and says “Papa when you left, the Mother Superior told me that they did not allow rowdy boys, then she took me to my room. Papa they mean business! They’ve got a Jew nailed on a Cross in every room!”
Lost on a rainy Friday night, a priest stumbles into a monastery and requests shelter there. Fortunately, he’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips he’s ever had.
After dinner, he goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs. He is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m Brother Michael, and this is Brother Francis.”
“I’m very pleased to meet you. I just wanted to thank you for a wonderful dinner. The fish and chips were the best I’ve ever tasted. Out of curiosity, who cooked what?”
Brother Michael replied, “Well, I’m the fish friar.”
Father turns to the other brother and says, “Then you must be….”
“Yes, I’m afraid I’m the chip monk…”
A man walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”
The abbot replies “Great! But you realize we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.”
The man replies “Fine.”
Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say.
The man replies “Bed’s hard.”
The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”
The man says, “Yes”.
Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!”
The abbot asks, “Is that it?”
And the man says “Yes.”
Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. I quit!”
And the abbot replies, “Figures! You’ve been complaining ever since you got here!”
In Poland, in 1944, a young priest-in-training is hunted down the street by a Hitler Youth. The priest trips and falls, and the Hitler Youth proceeds to kick him while he’s down. The priest shouts: Stop it! When I am old, I am going to be The Pope! The Hitler Youth just snorts and says: Yeah right. And I’m gonna be your successor.
A Christian has tried for years to convince his Jewish friend to convert. Finally, his friend says, “You are persuasive, but before I decide, I must go to Rome, see for myself the Pope and the bishops who lead your religion, and what manner of lives they lead.”
Desperately, the Christian tries to dissuade him, but the Jew insists and departs for Rome. Sadly, the Christian gives up his hope of converting his friend. But when he returns the next year (remember, this is medieval), the Jew says, “Thank you for waiting for me, my friend. When may I be baptized?”
The Christian is stunned. “You… you want to be baptized? But… but, you went to Rome?… You saw the Pope? And the bishops?”
“Yes, I saw them all,” the Jew replies. “And I said to myself, if this religion can be led by such men – and yet survive – it must have God’s blessing!”
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Baptist, and this is a casserole.”
A scientist went to God and said triumphantly, “We’ve worked out how to make a man without you.”
God laughed and said, “Ok then, show me. Go ahead…”
So the scientist bent down and picked up a handful of dirt but God stopped him.
“Oh no you don’t. ” said God. “Get your own dirt.”
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